Secrets and Regrets
by munrochambers4ever
Summary: When Clare makes the desicion to sleep with Fitz, it brings out the dark side of Eli, resulting in everyone's secrets coming out.
1. Chapter 1

**author's note: so all over my Tumblr dashboard, I've been seeing people talk about Fitz being a virgin and loosing his v-card to Clare, and Clare loosing hers to Fitz. At first, I'm like hell no, but I'm starting to warm up to the idea, so here's a fanfic I thought of. Probably the closest thing you'll get to smut(;**

I flopped down on my back with a sigh, bouncing slightly on my bed. "Those little kids are a handful!"

Fitz crashed down right next to me, making the bed shake more. "I know!" he agreed. "They were so..._hyper_!"

"It makes me wonder how my parents did it," I laughed.

Fitz laughed with me. "I doubt you were so routy. You were probably a mellow little kid,"

"I dont really remember my childhood that much," I said, rolling onto my elbow to look at him.

Since Fitz had been released from juvie, we've become a lot closer. Eli wasnt too happy with it, but Fitz _did_ actually find Jesus. I was helping him with that. I understood Fitz, and although Eli still hated him, I couldnt give up on Fitz. I knew he thought something more of this, but he's actually been very good about it.

"I dont either. It probably wasnt the best," he rolled onto his elbow, too.

I smiled at him, reaching to take his hand. "That's all over now, Fitz. You cant live in the past,"

His smiled softened and he squeezed my hand. "I know. Thank you, Clare, for all that you've done. You actually forgave me,"

"Eli forgives you," I insisted. "But he just doesnt trust you,"

"I dont blame him," his eyes shifted down and a blush cascaded his face. He looked back up into my eyes. "He doesnt trust me to be around you, does he?"

I shook my head. "No. He thinks you're dangerous. In fact, he doesnt even know we're together right now. He only thinks we go to church every Sunday,"

"You shouldnt lie to him, Clare," he sighed, sitting up and shaking his head. "If he found out, we'd both be dead,"

I sat up next to him and put my arm around his shoulder. "For one thing, I'm allowed to do what I want. Eli cant tell me who to hang out. And for another, it's Thursday night - him and Adam are playing video games,"

He nodded. "I just dont wanna cause problems for you two,"

"Fitz," I laughed, moving my head to get him to look at me. When his eyes met mine, I smiled. "I can make my own choices. If Eli cant accept that you're my friend, well then..." I trailed off, not knowing how to end my threat.

He smiled back. "You sure?"

"Positive," I smiled.

I hadnt realized we moved closer together, but then our lips connected. Part of me told me to pull back - that it was a mistake. But a bigger part of me told me to keep going. Fitz kissed me in a way Eli didnt. I felt a deeper connection within Fitz's kiss.

My fingers tangled in his hair and his hands found their way to my waist. He started to gently push me back on my bed, and I didnt object. A voice in the back of my head kept chanting _stop it, stop it_, but I didnt want to.

Fitz's hand rested gently on the bare skin of my hips. I shivered at his touch and he pulled back. "Is this okay?"

I nodded and reconnected our lips. Something inside of me took over and I wanted more and more of Fitz. I felt like he was the one.

I tugged hesitantly at his shirt and he pulled back again. "Clare, are you-"

"I'm sure," I cut him off, and starting pulling at his shirt again. When he sat up and pulled his shirt off, I rolled onto my back.

He took in the sight of me and swallowed.

"Kiss me, Fitz," I whispered.

Fitz bit his lip before leaning down and capturing mine in a heated kiss. I raked my finger nails down his back as his tongue hesitantly entered my mouth.

His hands started to slowly move up my shirt, feeling the skin of my back. I shivered and arched my back, letting him uncover me.

He pulled back and started at my chest, only covered by my black bra. "Clare, you're...beautiful," he whispered and his lips went to my neck, kissing it softly.

I moaned quietly and tangled my fingers in his hair.

Fitz's fingers grabbed the clasp of my bra and he pulled back to look at me.

"It's okay, Fitz," I smiled. "You can take it off,"

"No," he sat up and shook his head. "No, we cant,"

I bit my lip and looked at him. He was sitting between my legs on his own legs, staring into my eyes with a look of hurt.

"Why not?" I pouted.

"I cant take your virginity," he muttered.

"Fitz, you're the right person," I admitted.

"W-what about Eli?" he whispered.

I sat up, my legs still open and around him and I put my hands on his shoulders, rubbing them gently. "I love Eli," I told him. "But I also love you. It's been there, Fitz, it's been there for a while, I just didnt know how to deal with it. You understand what I'm giving up. And...you'd be giving me your virginity, too," I muttered looking down.

Fitz had revealed to me a while ago that he was a virgin. It's something that he didnt like people knowing, but he trusted me with it.

His hand slid under my chin and he pulled my eyes back up to him. "Clare, I cant. I know you wanna wait till marriage and now I do, too,"

"Fitz...Mark," I whispered. His eyes softened when I called him by his real name. "I want to do this. You are the one,"

"You love Eli,"

"He doesnt understand me like you do. Please,"

"And you're absoluetly positive?" he asked.

"Yes."

Fitz took in a deep breath and let it out before kissing me again, pushing me back on the bed. He unclasped my bra and started kissing down my neck as he pulled on the zipper of my jeans.

.

.

.

I laid on my back next to Fitz, still taking deep breaths. He was looking up at the ceiling, too, taking long deep breaths.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I whispered.

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"Well...was it how you imagined?"

I shook my head. "It didnt hurt as bad as I thought. You were gentle. Thank you," I turned to look at him.

He did the same. "Anything for you,"

We laid there in a comfortable silence, until he shifted. "It's getting late, I should go before your parents get home," he sat up, reaching for his clothes.

I clutched him arm. "No, dont go!" I begged, pulling back down to lie down. "My parents are away tonight, they wont be back until tomorrow. Please, stay here with me tonight,"

"Okay," he nodded and took me in his arms, my back to his chest. He reached down and pulled the covers of us. His lips brushed my shoulders. "I love you, Clare. You know that, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah." A few silent tears streamed down my face. I didnt know if it was because I loved Eli and Fitz or if it was out of regret. "I love you, too,"

My phone started buzzing and I reached over to grab my pants off the floor, and grabbed my phone. "It's Eli," I whispered.

Fitz took his arm away from me, as if Eli could see us. I flipped my phone open. "Eli,"

"Hey, baby, what's up?"

"Uhm. Not much, you know. Just hanging out. I was reading this really good book, actually,"

"Cool. So, Adam had to leave early. You wanna hang out?"

"I cant. My parents arent home,"

"Ooo," he muttered in a seductive tone. "Hinting something, Edwards?"

"No, Eli, I really cant. My parents dont want me going anywhere while they're away,"

He laughed. "I was just teasing. I know. But hey, if you need me to come over to stay with you or anything else, just call,"

"I know. Thanks,"

"Anything for you, Clare. I love you,"

"I love you, too,"

"Goodnight," he whispered, before hanging up.

I sighed and closed my phone, laying it on my nightstand. Fitz rolled back over and wrapped his arms around my stomach, pulling his very close to me.

After a couple minutes of silence, he spoke. "Do you regret it, Clare?"

I thought about my answer for a little bit before shaking my head. "No, I dont,"

**Author's note: soo i think epic fail. i dont know if i'm continuing it, but there you go. some flare(:**


	2. Chapter 2

**author's note: Hey guys, so I know I made Clare really OOC in chapter one and most likely she will be. forgot to mentiont hat. but anway here's chapter two(:**

My alarm clock went off and I rolled over, shutting it off. At least today was Friday and I could spend the day and tomorrow with Clare. I sat up, shaking out my bed head and reached for my cell phone.

"Hello?" Clare's voice sounded tired on the phone, like I woke her up.

"Hey, baby, were you sleeping? I'm sorry,"

"No, I just didnt...get much sleep last night,"

"Oh, I'm sorry. But do you want a ride to school?" I asked, standing out of my bed.

"Sure, that'd be great," she said.

"Okay, well I've gotta shower and get ready, so about an hour?" I asked.

"Alright. See you then,"

"I love you,"

"Love you, too," she said and hung up.

I sighed and waked into my bathroom. After my shower, I got ready for school and got in Morty. I texted Clare to let her know I was outside and she came running out, holding onto her shoulder strap.

She slid into Morty's passenger seat and gave me a kiss. "Hey, Eli,"

"Hi, baby," I said, pulling out of her driveway and started to school. "So I was thinking - date night tonight? We could go to dinner and then come back to your place and watch a movie?" I suggested.

"Uhm, sure, that sounds fun," she smiled over at me. Her eyes looked frantic.

"Are you alright, Clare?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," She said quickly, and smiled bigger at me.

.

.

.

After school, I dropped Clare off at home. I told her I'd be back in an hour so we could bother get ready and then we'd go to dinner. I pulled on my gray skinny jeans and a black button up shirt. After I thought I looked presentable, I drove back to Clare's house.

She came out, wearing a baby blue dress that matcher her eyes. The dress reached her knees and she had a sliver purse hanging off her shoulder by a gold linking chain. She looked absoluetly stunning.

When she got him, I kissed her breifly on the cheek. "You look beautiful,"

"Thanks," she smiled and eyed me. "You dont look too bad yourself,"

I smirked and drove off.

.

.

.

After the movie, we made our way back to her house. "Looks like my parents still arent home," Clare said, dropping her purse in the kitchen. "Wanna go watch the movie in my room?"

I smirked. "Sure,"

She took my hand and we made our way up to her room. I couldnt help but stare at the way she walked up the stairs.

She ploppled down on her bed and raised her eyebrows at me. "Yes, Edwards?" I answered.

"Come here, _Goldsworthy_," she smikred.

I walked over to her, and she grabbed the collar of my shirt, pulling me down to her. She pulled me into a heat kissed, already plunging her tongue passed my lips and into my mouth. I placed my hands on the bed to support myself, since I was still standing and she was still sitting. Just as I started to push her back, her house phone rang from downstairs.

"Just leave it," I whispered against her neck.

"I cant. It might be my parents," She pushed me away from her and walked out the door. I heard her run down the stairs in time to get it.

I sighed, wondering where this was going. Things have been getting pretty heated between Clare and I, and I really wasnt sure when we were gonna have sex. I thought her parents were gonna be home so - of course - I didnt bring a condom.

I heard her talking muffledly downstairs and I looked at her nightstand drawer. Maybe St. Clare had some condoms in her night stand. I mean, she had to be thinking about it, right? Would she notice if I took one?

I hopped off the bed, and knelt down to her drawer. It was stuck and I had to really _yank_ it open, causing the cordless alarmclock she had to fall under her bed. I sighed and leaned my head down to look at it.

I found the alarmclock and when I reached for it, something caught my eye. It was an empty condom wrapper. What the hell? I grabbed it from under the bed and stared at it, shocked. Did Clare...cheat on me? Did she sleep with someone else?

I got off my knees and walked with the empty wrapper to her waist basket. Dumb move, Clare. The used condom was still in the trash.

I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. Who was the guy? Why did she do this?

She walked through the door. "Sorry, that was Alli. Something happened at her new school and she wanted to vent to me about it,"

I didnt turn to face her. Just gripped the empty wrapper in my hand and stared at what was in her trash.

"Eli, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" I asked, sneering with a laugh. I spun around and threw the empy condom wrapper at her. "This is what's wrong! You fucking slept with another guy!" I yelled.

Her face closed and tears welled up in her eyes. "Eli..."

"Save it," I grumbled, walking past her and out her door. I turned to look at her before I reached the stairs. "Just tell me who it was with,"

"Eli, I dont really think that matters," She whispered, tears falling down her face.

"IT DOES MATTER!" I screamed at her. "He took your fucking _virginity_! That matters to me, Clare. Now who the hell was he?"

"It's not important,"

"Clare, so help my God,"

"IT WAS FITZ!" She screamed at me, sobbing breaking through her. "We slept together! He was here last night when you called and here this morning! Mark Fitzgerald took my virginity!" she yelled. "Are you happy you know that now? Does that make you feel any better?"

I literally felt dead. Cheating on me would have been bad enough but with _Fitz_? "I really hope he was good, Clare," I said calmly. "Because I'm disgusted with both of you. I'm glad you thought he was good enough to loose it to, though," I spit at her and walked downstairs.

Once in Morty, I let my tears come out. The one girl I really loved with all of me, the girl I wanted to care about and be with forever, the girl who I wanted to treat sweet and make her first time perfect had slept with my enemy. Lost her fucking virginty to him.

All I know is that tomorrow, all hell is gonna break loose.

**author's note: welllllll?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I know I havent uploaded, but its because my internet is being stupid and wouldnt let me get on anything for like a week. I went a week without internet. I felt like I was gonna die. Anyway, I wrote this to keep my mind off of the fact that I cant get on Tumblr. And now I'm rambling, so here you go. Enjoy the chapter.**

I walked into school Monday morning. I still felt...new. After Clare and I exchanged virginities, I didn't feel the same. I finally knew whatever everyone was talking about. For so long now, I pretended I wasnt a virgin. I acted around the guys like I scored once a day. In reality, girls scared me. I was always nervous and shy around them. I've only had two real girlfriends before this, but it went no where.

Clare didnt scare me. Not in that way. I wasnt nervous around her. She made me feel like myself. I didnt have to hide who I was in front of Clare. She knew that my dad beat me, that my mom was dead, that church was the only way I could be happy, that I was a virgin, that I put up a front when I'm around people to seem tough when I'm not.

I loved Clare. I know most people - especially Eli - think that I love her for her body or to get in her pants, but I really am _in love_ with Clare. I love everything about her. The way her curls bounce when she walks, the way she helps anyone - even me. The way she laughs, her singing in church. Sure her body is rocking, but that's not all I see when I look at Clare. She's the only one that knows me. I'm so in love with her it scares me.

I respected that she wanted to wait till marriage. Once I started going to church, I wanted to wait, too. I realized what a big sacrfice virginity is and for once in my life, I was glad I hadnt lost it yet.

I also respected that she loved Eli. He still wasnt my favorite person, but I wouldnt hurt him anymore. Because hurting Eli meant hurting Clare and I couldnt live with myself if I hurt Clare.

So that's why I was so surprised when she asked me to sleep with her. Hell, I was surprised when she kissed me, when she didnt stop, when she pulled my shirt off, when she wanted to keep going, but when she asked me to sleep with her that _really_ surprised me.

I dont regret a second of it, but I feel bad. I know she loves Eli, I know that she wants to wait, and deep down I know that she wanted to loose it to Eli. As much as I'm glad it was me, I feel bad. I shouldnt have taken it from her and now I cant give it back. She says she doesnt regret it, but I know she does.

I walked to my locker on Monday morning and opened it. Last Thursday, Clare and I had sex. I know she feels bad about it because she wasnt at church Sunday. When I called and asked, she said she was sick. I didnt buy it - she just didnt want to see me.

I couldnt stop thinking about her. She was perfect in everyway. Our first time together was everything I wanted it to be. We were both happy during it and I was happy afterwards. She says she was.

I closed my locker and then someone pushed me. I stumbled to my right, but caught myself. I stood up straight only to get sucker punched in the face. I stumbled back even further and grabbed my jaw, blood spilling onto my hand.

When I looked up, I saw Eli standing there. He was glaring at me more than the devil could. For once in my life, I actually felt _afraid_ of Eli. He really looked evil.

But that fear soon turned to anger as I felt my jaw throb. I glared back and marched forward, catching the punk by his collar. I know this would hurt Clare, but I didnt care anymore. This kid was never gonna learn.

Before I could get a punch in, Eli screamed, "Go ahead! Punch me! Beat me! I dont care! You cant hurt me anymore than you already have!"

I still had his collar and I just looked at him confused.

"You dont even know why," he scoffed. "Hmm, let's see...YOU TOOK CLARE'S VIRGINITY!" he screamed in my face, kneeing me in the stomach. I hunched over. He grabbed my hood and yelled into the back of my head. "YOU DIDNT MAKE LOVE TO HER! YOU _FUCKED_ HER! I bet she was real nice, too," he pushed me away.

I stumbled yet again and caught myself. I stood up straight to see him walking away. My anger was boiling hot inside me and I could feel my old ways returning. I felt like the old Fitz. I stomped forward after him, and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him back. "But it wasnt you, was it?" I hissed menicingly. "It was me. Clare's virginity...is _mine_,"

He elbowed me in the chest and turned to push me. "You dont love her!" he screamed. Whether it was out of anger or hurt, I could see his eyes filling with tears.

"You dont know that! And _she_ must love _me_ if she was willing to sleep with me!"

He growled and launched himself at me. Kid was strong - I'll give him that. He had me on the ground in one attack. He managed one more punch in the face, before I flipped us over.

I punched him a few times before yelling at him. "And you're right - baby was good in bed,"

He screamed wordlessly and pushed me off, landing another sucker punch in my ear. He didnt give up, either. I managed a few punches in his stomach and face, but he was just going for my face. I could feel his rage in every punch.

"STOP IT! STOP! ELI!" I heard someone scream. I knew the voice and once I heard it, I came back to reality. I realized what I was doing and gave up. Eli punched me a few more times, until he was gone.

I saw Clare yanking on his arm, pulling him away from me. He was still shaking with anger and I watched him closley. If he even came _close_ to hitting her, it'd be over.

"ELI, STOP!"

"WHY?" he screamed in her face and I watched her flinch. My fingers twitched into a fist and I wanted so badly to punch him.

"You were hurting him!" she mumbled.

"Oh, what's that? I was hurting your _fuck buddy_? Gee, I'm sorry. Maybe everyone would like to know why I was beating up good ol' Fitzy Boy," he said loudly. I looked around to see a big crowd form. I wondered why no teachers had come yet.

"Eli," Clare whispered. "Please...dont,"

"I think everyone has a right to know!" he yelled. "Hey everyone!"

Clare tugged on his arm. "Eli, please!" she begged.

He shrugged away from her, walking closer to one side of the crowd. "Anybody interested in what these two did? They _fucked_. Yup, you heard right...St. Clare SLEPT WITH FITZ. And according to Fitzy," he glared back at Clare, lowering his voice so he was talking just to her. "You were real good in the sack. I'm glad you two enjoyed yourselves," he spit in Clare's direction and stormed off, pushing through the crowd.

Clare broke down in sobs and people dispearsed. You could already hear the whispers.

I stood, noticing that I really was in pain. Eli had did a number on me. I hobbled over to Clare and took her into my bruised arms. She clung to me and sobbed.

"It'll be okay, baby," I whispered.

"I'm not your baby!" she screamed and yanked away from me, pushing herself back. "I'm not your anything! You ruined this all for me! You ruined _everything_ for me! I hate you!" she yelled and ran off.

I watched her go, my eyes filling up with tears. Clare didnt get it - I really did love her. But I know that I caused all this. I should have kept it in my pants and I didnt. I really did ruin everything for her.

Well, it was my job to make it right.

**Author's note: what did you guys think of that?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I havent updated because I'm really not sure where this is going anymore, lol. If anyone has ideas please tell me. This probably isnt the best chapter because I'm clueless to what I want to do. Also, The characters will be OOC. **

I ran to the bathroom to dry my eyes. I grabbed a paper towel and began to blot away my tears. I heard someone approaching and I locked myself in the first stall.

It was Bianca and another girl whose voice I didn't recognize. I slumped against the stall wall and listen to them.

"Can you believe Saint Clare did that?" The girl asked.

Bianca snorted. "Emo boy doesn't have what Fitz has. I wouldn't blame her for what she did,"

"But she was in love with Eli,"

"And she fucked Fitz. I mean we all have," Bianca laughed. "The dude is good in bed,"

I bit my lip to quiet my sobs. So Fitz wasn't a virgin? Why would I believe him? My shoulders began to shake and I bit my lip harder.

"I guess you're right. When I slept with Fitz, it _was_ pretty amazing. I don't blame her for cheating,"

"Although it was a skanky move," Bianca said. "I don't blame her for sleeping with Fitz, but you gotta feel bad for Emo boy. I mean look what he did to Fitz's face out of hurt. I dont like the dude, but who would guess Clare would become a slut?"

The girl laughed. "Not me,"

I heard them exit the room and I let my lip go, my sobs becoming loud. I can't believe this. I thought Fitz was different. I thought he was telling the truth. He was a damn good liar.

I wiped my eyes again and stormed out of the bathroom. Right now, I was more mad than sad and I was gonna hurt him.

He was at his locker, holding his side and grabbing a book. So his was hurt there. Good. I stormed up and punched him in the side.

"OW!" he yelled and grabbed his side, his face distorting in pain. "What the hell?"

"I thought you were a virgin, Fitz!" I screamed and went to hit him again. He caught my wrists.

.

.

"Clare, stop it!" I yelled, trying to get her to calm down. "Chill out. Stop!"

She stopped fighting and yanked her wrists away from me. "I hate you," she spit and turned away.

I ran forward and grabbed her arm, spinning her around. "Clare, what the hell are you talking about? I was a virgin,"

"That's not what Bianca said!"

"Why were you talking to Bianca?" I asked. She looked away from me, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. "Clare?"

She turned to look at me. "I was in the bathroom and she came in with some other girl. All they talked about was how good you were in bed,"

I raised my eyebrows. I was shocked and pissed off at the same time. "I _never_ slept with Bianca. Or anybody! Clare, you have to believe me...you were my first!"

She turned to walk away. "Why should I believe you?" She yelled as she walked backwards down the hall. "You haven't changed! You'll never change!"

I slammed my locker shut and leaned against it.

"Someone looks down,"

Just the person I was looking for. "What the hell is wrong with you, Bianca?" I asked. "We never slept together,"

"I know," She smiled. "But I knew Saint Clare was in the bathroom,"

I stared at her, dumbfounded, as she walked down the hall. I needed to get Clare to believe me.

**author's note: I know that was bad. I hope to get better. (:**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Once again, the characters will be OOC and once again, i still have no idea where i'm going with this. sorry if it sucks. **

After the fight with Fitz, I walked into the bathroom to wash the blood off my knuckles. I'm glad I had his blood on my hands. I wanted him to bleed, I wanted him to hurt...more than I did.

I still couldn't take my mind off the fact that Clare had sex with him. While I was beating him up, all I could picture was him on top of her, her moaning his name...it wasn't right. It should have been me.

Someone came through the door and I looked up from the sink.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" Adam asked. "Why would you start a fight with Fitz? I thought you two were over your problems?"

"Yeah," I laughed and scrubbed some more blood off. I turned off the sink and grabbed some paper towels. "But we have a new problem. A _slutty_ problem," I snarled the word and didn't feel bad. That is what _Saint_ Clare was, anyway.

"What are you talking about?"

"She's fucking slept with Fitz!" I yelled and slammed the paper towels into the trash.

Adam's face closed in shock. "Wait, _she_ told you that?"

"I wouldn't believe it if I heard it from anyone else,"

"Are you _sure_?" he asked.

"Adam!" I yelled, getting frustrated. "I have all the proof I need. I found an empty condom in her room and when I confronted her, she said she slept with Fitz! What more do you need?"

"I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I can't believe she would do this,"

"I didn't want to believe it, either," I muttered and stormed out of the bathroom. I smacked right into the person I didn't want to see.

"Sorry," she muffled, her sobs silencing her apology.

"Whatever," I went to walk away from her, but she grabbed my arm.

"Eli, wait! I really am sorry! For everything!"

I yanked my arm out of her grasp and stomped off.

.

.

I put my head in my hands and sobbed. I hated myself for all of this. I didn't know what was wrong with me.

"Clare, you know he has a right to be mad," Adam said behind me.

"I-I know," I sobbed.

"Why did you do it?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. He wasn't supposed to find out,"

"That doesn't make it okay! Clare, you broke his heart and you slept with the enemy. Literally!" Adam yelled.

This upset me even more. Adam never raised his voice unless his was super pissed. He had every right to be.

"I know," I choked out. "But I just wanted to loose my virginity to someone that was a virgin, too,"

"Are you serious?" Adam scoffed in my face, walking away. Before he fully left the hall, he turned to face me. "You know that's not what this is about, Clare. You should have just owned up to it and broken up with him. We all could see it between you and Fitz, but he blinded himself. You didn't need to cheat,"

I dropped down in front of a locker and cried into my hands.

"Clare, can I talk to you?"

I looked up and glared through my tears. "I have nothing to say to you, Fitz,"

"Please, hear me out,"

**author's note: bum bum bum, i guess? reviews?**


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